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Did Boston Corbett Have the Stones to Kill John Wilkes Booth?

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Hugh Mungus's picture

Boston Corbett, the man who murdered John Wilkes Booth, escaped from an insane asylum, lived in a ditch in an open field, and removed his own testicles with a pair of scissors.

B.C., baby. The ultimate multitasker!

We could inform you that John Wilkes Booth was the man who assassinated Abraham Lincoln, but if this fact already eludes you, high school history teachers are overpaid.

We could elucidate that Boston Corbett was actually Thomas P. Corbett, having changed his name in honor of Beantown, but that truth pales in comparison to our opening paragraph.

 We could explain how Corbett was never given the order to shoot John Wilkes Booth, and did so through slats between wall boards at a location known as Garrett's Farm. But, honestly, who cares?

Since we couldn't make the tale of Boston Corbett any weirder, unless we lied, claiming he was the latest host of The View, we'll just allow you to re-read the initial paragraph of this feature.

For those who enjoy slowing down at gruesome traffic accidents, Boston cut a one inch slit at the base of his scrotum, pulled his rocks out, and amputated 'em with a pair of scissors.

"But, why?!" you ask.

Apparently, Corbett lusted the company of prostitutes a little more than he felt comfortable with, and took the following quote from Matthew, Chapter 18, quite literally.

"If your hand or your foot causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life maimed or crippled than to have two hands or two feet and be thrown into eternal fire. And if your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye, than to have two eyes and be thrown into the fire of hell."

Certain his huevos were causin' him to transgress, Boston was given impetus with which to do the deed.

Tell us Richard Dawkins wouldn't have a field day with this one.

Upon removing a good portion of what his Y-chromosome naturally bequeathed him, Boston attended a prayer assembly, and zealously partook of a sumptuous meal.

Hugh Mungus

© 2010. Hugh Mungus

Reference Index:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boston_Corbett

http://www.roadsideamerica.com/story/16178

http://www.oakpointe.org/pdf/studies/matthew/matthew_eighteen.pdf

Swanson, James L. (2006). Manhunt: The 12-Day Chase for Lincoln's Killer. Harper Collins Publishers. ISBN 978-0-06-051849

 

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